If you want your ex back, you better start fixing the relationship right now, before it’s too late. I know it may seem like your ex “hates” you, but let me tell you a powerful irony: this is actually a very good sign.
“Hate” proves that there are still emotions related to the relationship and you can work with that. Ambivalence usually means that the feeling your ex had for you has now died and is not coming back. Located between hatred and ambivalence is a “golden” moment in which you are able to regain the love of your life, but ONLY if you play your cards right.
The seeds of failure are found in the natural “fight or flight” reactions found in the brain stem. These panic impulses are not based on reason, but rather on survival. They are as old as time, genetically passed down from our prehistoric ancestors, whose daily life was a challenge just to stay alive. When you are chased by a hungry dinosaur, you run … but if you run off a cliff, the end result is the same as if you were eaten alive.
When it seems like an important relationship is over, the last thing you want to do is panic. Here are some of the self-destructive things we do, robotically, when threatened with the end of a love relationship:
1. We hold ourselves accountable.
2. We constantly express regret, but we end up looking weak and pathetic in the process.
3. We promise to be a better person and appear weak and pathetic in the process.
4. We tiptoe, stalking and spying.
5. We tell them that we repeatedly love them and seem weak and pathetic in the process.
6. We try to blame them.
7. We get in touch with his friends and family to see if we can gain some influence there and just anger the very person we are trying to win back.
8. We continually call and text them and end up looking weak and pathetic.
And worst of all,
9. We beg you to come back making us look DESPERATELY weak and pathetic.
The hard thing to understand is that even though all these “fight or flight” responses come from a good, loving place that just wants things to go back to the way they were, they always end up failing, which is exactly what you DON’T want. . To see this more clearly, imagine that the roles were reversed and your ex was showing you all these “fight or flight” things in a desperate attempt to get you back. How attractive would your ex look to you then? Gross!
What you need to do (and be) is something totally different. You need to become a “flame” and your ex a “moth” who is irresistibly attracted to your flame. If you consider it logically, you need to position yourself as a person of great value, someone worth taking back, a person your ex believes you can’t live without. You don’t do this by looking weak and pathetic. You do it by being strong and wise and perhaps seeming a bit distant.
There are many completely reasonable psychological techniques you can use to strengthen your case, but you MUST do something soon, before your ex finds someone new and becomes ambivalent. There are books that can help you with this. Buy a good one today and get started right away. Above all, fight all those “fight or flight” reactions until you understand what to do (and be) that works to get what you want and need.
I recognize from personal experience that the breakup can hit you like a ton of bricks. It’s just overwhelming, like a 50 foot tsunami, knocking you down. You feel like you can’t breathe and you panic. In some cases, there were many warnings before, but he simply ignored or failed to see them, convinced, in his blindness, that he was secure in their relationship. And every once in a while, the breakup comes as a complete surprise.
This is what happened to me at the end of my first marriage, years ago: one night, he said, almost inaudibly: “I want a divorce.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I tried to convince her not to, but she was immovable.
I ended up doing most of the reckless “fight or flight” things I mentioned above, but no matter what I tried, nothing worked. I moved in with my parents. I lost almost 30 pounds. I couldn’t sleep at night, except briefly. The moment I woke up, the tsunami hit me again. The food tasted like sawdust. I couldn’t stop talking about my breakup. Meanwhile, he found someone else. We divorced and she remarried.
Today, many years later, I recognize that we were not right for each other and it would have been a mistake to get back together even if I could have done it. The irony is that if I had known then what I know now, I could have backed it, eating out of my hand. In hindsight, it is fortunate that I had no idea what to do at the time. Now I know it wouldn’t have lasted. We were too different.
No doubt your family and friends will strongly advise you not to try to get back together. Most likely, they will label your ex as the source of all your difficulties and will try to side with you because they love you. They are afraid that if they get back together again, their hearts will only break one more time. You must resist all this “advice”. Just close your ears because if you are honest with yourself, you are the only one who knows your relationship and you are the only one who recognizes, deep down, whether getting back together is a good idea or not. You are the one who has to make the decision and you are the person who has to live with it.
With that said, if you decide that you aspire to get back together with your ex, the good news is that most relationships can be saved, IF you play your cards wisely and take the necessary steps soon enough. Doing the “fight or flight” things will drive your ex further and further. They will grow to be even more alienated from you than they are now.
Alternatively, if you do the moth and flame thing, you will almost always win your ex back, but you MUST act quickly before the “hate” turns to ambivalence. Bottom line: give your ex reasons to get back with you rather than justifications for leaving you. While this will not cure ALL relationships, it will work for most of them if the spark still exists under all the anger and “hatred.”
I don’t have the space here to go into all the details of what to do and be. I suggested earlier that you buy a good book for that. However, I can give you just a few parting tips:
1. Apologize to him, but do it in a way that makes him appear strong, not weak and pathetic.
2. Show your ex what they are missing, not what YOU are missing.
3. Resist sex until the relationship is fully healed. Sex too early is counterproductive. Make-up sex later can be mind-blowing.
4. The reality that you may have cheated does not have to be a deal breaker. In reality, it is much easier to restore loyalty and trust than you might think.
I wish you all the best in the recovery of your relationship with your ex. Now that you have some of the tools and can purchase the resources to learn the rest, get started before it’s too late. Don’t waste another minute!
© 2011 Robert M. Gillespie, Jr.
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