Introduction
Paul flung open the apartment door angrily and stormed in, Joe hot on his heels. “God, you’re being a drama queen! No big deal! You’re reading too much into this!” Joe yelled as he cornered his roommate in the bedroom. Paul spun around to face him, reeling with anger as his heart pounded fiercely against his chest and his ragged, ragged breaths were close to hyperventilation. “Isn’t that a big deal?! Wow, thanks for caring about how I feel! It’s so like you to think only of yourself and then minimize what you’ve done and take no responsibility! So I end up looking like the melodramatic “One and you’ll walk out smelling like a rose! Not this time, Joe! I’ve had enough!”
Joe fell onto the bed and held his head in his hands as he let out a frustrated sigh. “You are so infuriating! This was supposed to be our romantic night together and you completely ruined it with your stupid assumptions!” he complained. “Did I blow it?! We hardly see each other anymore, and when we finally go out with just the two of us, you can’t take your eyes off the other guys in the restaurant! It’s like I don’t even exist.” In there! You barely said two words to me because you were too busy undressing everyone in your mind!” “You’re so out of line, man! The guys there were hot and I’m a natural flirt, I can’t help it! However, that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them! I’m sick and tired of having to take the blame and suffer for your past failed relationships! I have never given you any reason to doubt my commitment to you and all you do is jump to conclusions about my motives! What do you want from me?!” Joe yelled. “Look, there you go again! It’s always my fault, isn’t it? Just forget it! You can sleep on the couch tonight!” Paul spat as he threw a pillow and blanket at her from across the room and then walked away, slamming the bathroom door behind him.
love and conflict
While the above scenario may seem a bit like “The Young & the Restless,” it certainly represents how a plot can spiral downward rapidly. Conflict is normal and inevitable in all relationships; in fact, there can be no growth as a couple without it! However, the way in which the conflict is approached and managed can contribute to the health and development of the relationship or it can cause it to disappear. Words hurt and can have a lasting effect and, as our friends Paul and Joe saw, can damage the foundation of trust and intimacy on which a partnership is built.
As a couple, it’s important to view conflict as an opportunity to bridge a greater connection. As men, we have been socialized to be strong, aggressive, and competitive. While these traits are definite assets, they can backfire when communicating with a significant other about differences or issues. Another tendency that we men have is to bypass feelings and jump right into problem solving mode to rectify a situation. This is another obstacle to effective communication in an intimate relationship. Listening to and validating each partner’s feelings and needs is an essential prerequisite for problem solving and requires us to slow down and really pay attention to the messages communicated by our lovers.
Therefore, when faced with an altercation with your partner, it is important to do the following:
Identify your anger triggers and know when your emotions (or your partner’s) are at a point where continuing a dialogue would be harmful and unproductive.
Defuse anger immediately by calling a “Time Out” and having a cool down period where you can each relax and gain some perspective. This will help to avoid the possibility of hurtful words being expressed; words that hurt and cannot be withdrawn.
Schedule a time to come back and talk about the situation so it doesn’t get “swept under the rug” which would only serve to build up resentments. Set the stage for communication by creating ground rules for discussion and a safe environment to have a dialogue.
Have a conscious intention during your talk. Avoid getting distracted by what you want to say, and instead fully engage with your partner and focus on active listening so that you can truly understand their needs, feelings, and point of view. You will have the opportunity to present your position. Don’t interrupt, stay on one topic at a time, and show appropriate levels of empathy and validation for your partner.
The Messages “I” Technical Communication
There are almost as many communication models available as there are self-help books, but one of the most popular is the technical communication of “I” statements. Frequently taught in couples therapy, this strategy has a practical and easy-to-use formula to express your needs and feelings in a direct and assertive way. If executed correctly, this model reduces the chances of your partner responding defensively and will promote a more successful communication session.
Basically, the formula says:
I feel (insert feeling; make sure it is a feeling, not a thought)
when you (describe his behavior)
because (fundamental reason why you feel the way you feel)
then you would rather (request for a behavior change) instead.
The model works well because you take responsibility for your feelings without blame and are describing the behavior that bothers you rather than launching an attack on your partner’s character, which the very word “you” tends to inspire and therefore creates a defensive attitude on the part of the other. Asking for a behavior change doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want, but asserting yourself can give you a sense of empowerment that’s better than the alternative of externalizing your discontent or hiding it and burying it. You have the right to express yourself and ask for what you need and want.
Also, the formula is beneficial in helping both partners fine-tune their communication styles. For a more verbal partner, “I messages” help simplify your thoughts into a simple, understandable statement instead of a barrage of sentences that can overwhelm your partner. For a less verbally sophisticated or easy-going partner, the formula allows for a step-by-step format for expressing yourself if you typically have difficulty finding the words to convey what’s on your mind. While the formula may seem mechanical, contrived, or cumbersome, it provides a solid framework to start with and can be modified to suit your own language and style. This is just one of the many communication techniques you can try!
Joe and Paul Revised
Joe and Paul sat on the couch facing each other, both feeling calmer and more centered as they wanted to clear the air of their argument from the night before and come to a resolution on how to handle some of their issues moving forward. They didn’t want to hurt each other anymore and really wanted to understand how the other was feeling and what they needed to avoid being reactive in the future.
Paul started. “Joe, I feel hurt and rejected when you don’t talk much when we’re out and when you look at other guys because we don’t see each other much with our opposite work schedules and I feel like it’s disrespectful to be admiring other guys when you’re with me. I miss you and I’m afraid that you may be losing interest in me when that happens. I’d rather you be more engaged when we’re together and not look at other guys and make the most of the time we have together by talking to me or paying more attention to me.”
Joe responded with active listening techniques, and Paul felt heard and validated. Joe then responded to Paul. “Paul, I feel frustrated and powerless when you make accusations that I am cheating on you because I have very strong values in fidelity and have never done anything to compromise our commitment. I love you. I would prefer that you abstain. jump to conclusions and instead check in with me on things that you might be thinking and feeling in a calm way to make sure we’re on the same page.”
The couple’s conversation went deeper, and they were able to identify many of their fears and unmet needs underlying the anger that surfaced during their fight. Once they reached that level of understanding and both felt heard, the couple was able to move into a problem-solving stage. Joe refrained from flirting with other men to respect his relationship with Paul and channeled his energy into being more responsive to his partner’s needs and more present when they were together. He also tried to shift his work schedule so they could spend more quality time together, he tried to show Paul ways that he appreciated and appreciated him through loving gestures and attention, and he worked to improve his verbal and communication skills. non verbal. Paul went to work challenging his insecurities, combating his tendency to make assumptions and “mind reading,” and began to grieve and heal past relationship wounds that she was projecting onto his current relationship with Joe. . He also worked hard to improve his boundaries and they both worked aggressively to create a better balance between their individual and couple identities. This couple is on the right path to healing and continues to grow closer each day.
Conclusion and Action Challenges
So how can you use “I” messages to improve your relationship? Here are some concluding tips to get you started:
Make a list of all the feelings and/or needs that you would like to express to your partner and write them down in a journal. Now, using the formula “I feel___when you____because___then I’d rather___ instead,” practice creating your own “I” statements. The more times you do this, the more natural it will feel. Play with a trusted friend or go straight to your partner and give it a try!
Remember that it is very important to identify the role that you yourself play in conflicts instead of putting all the emphasis on your partner and their behavior. You cannot change your partner.
Expand your feelings vocabulary. Read books on emotional intelligence to expand your skill set.
Identify any fears you may have that prevent you from listening to or communicating your needs and feelings to your partner. Strive to challenge them to support more connection in your relationship.
* The characters in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.
©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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