Sometimes I hear from people who have a strong feeling that their marriage is potentially in trouble. They can’t help noticing that something has changed. Your spouse may be distant or not affectionate. It may seem like there’s really nothing to talk about anymore. There may be awkward silences or distant encounters. Many people mourn these losses because this is not what most of us envision the day we get married. Therefore, it will be the inclination of many people to try to fix the marriage before it is too late.
Sometimes, though, it’s pretty clear that while you’re willing to try anything to save or fix your marriage, your spouse isn’t as enthusiastic. This leaves you wondering if it’s possible to make positive changes when you’re the only one trying, or if you’re just wasting your time.
Someone might say, “Our marriage has been slowly deteriorating for the past two and a half years. My husband and I don’t really fight, but right now we’re acting like strangers. There’s just a distance and a coldness. We spend more time with our friends than with each other. We’re no longer really aware of what’s going on in each other’s lives. It’s like we’re roommates. Since my husband is starting to spend less and less time at home, I’m afraid I’m going to to give the ‘I need space’ speech or to ask for a breakup. So I decided I had to make some changes to try to fix things. I started asking my friends what they would do, plus I did some research and talked to people whose opinions respect I found that if I spent more time in my marriage then this would be a good first step I was advised to ask my husband about his daily experiences and feelings I was advised to spend more time in my marriage so I have been trying to do these things, but my husband is not very responsive. He’ll just give me vague answers or look at me like it’s weird that I want to interact with him. I finally admitted that he was just trying to make things better with our marriage. His response to me was that people who have good marriages don’t have to ‘try’. So he doesn’t seem at all interested in ‘trying’ when it comes to improving or ultimately saving our marriage. I guess I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time. I am willing to try anything, but if my husband is not going to do anything, will it all be for nothing? Can I still make it work?”
It’s really hard to predict the future like this, but I can tell you my experience. My husband and I separated because our marriage had reached the point where he was no longer happy. At first, he seemed completely reluctant to work with me. He just wanted space. He didn’t want to work or make any changes no matter what I did or said to try to convince him otherwise. Eventually I realized that the only thing he was going to be able to control was myself. Because we were separated, I didn’t have unlimited access to him. But he had unlimited access to myself. So that’s where I put most of my focus. I took a hard look at how I might have contributed to the degradation of my marriage and tried to address those issues. I wanted to be as healthy as possible if we ever made up. During times when my husband and I spent time together, I just focused on making sure things worked out and I felt as comfortable as possible between us. I figured there would be plenty of time to work on the hard stuff later. I realized that my husband’s reluctance meant that the whole situation was fragile, so he initially only asked me for something.