If someone was abused by one or both of their caregivers during their early years, it can be hard for them to understand why. One question that may enter your mind is: why did the people who were supposed to love and care for me treat me so badly?
This may be a question that you may end up thinking about for many, many years, something that will completely consume your mind. However, it may not end there, as there could be another question that requires a lot of attention.
a strange scenario
In looking at this area and having conversations with your caregivers, they may have also realized that their early years of caregiving were very similar to their early years. Therefore, these people have not only been the perpetrators of child abuse; they have also been victims of child abuse.
So one can have a hard time understanding how someone who has been abused as a child can end up doing the same to their child. It may be as if what they went through had absolutely no impact on them.
a strange scenario
So instead of what they went through giving them a clear idea of how painful it is to be treated this way and put an end to this type of behavior, they end up doing the same to the next generation. It may seem that someone like that has no conscience and is simply a programmed machine.
Without a doubt, if they had a conscience, they would have realized that what they were doing was wrong and would have done something about their behavior. This would have prevented them from making their son’s life hell.
What’s going on?
However, while it might be easy to assume that what happened to them didn’t have much of an impact, this is not the truth. It will be more accurate to say that what happened had a massive impact on them; the problem is that they did not take care of what happened to them.
In other words, their caretakers went through hell during their early years but didn’t heal any of the damage done to them. Or if they cured any of it, it would have just been the tip of the iceberg.
Locked
To handle what happened, their caregivers would likely have tuned out how they were feeling; this would have been a way of survival for them. Facing how they felt during this time would have been too painful for them, and if they were to express how they felt, they may have been treated even worse.
The years would have passed then but the pain they experienced during their early years will have stayed in their body. Even so, this bread will have been looking for a way to be released.
other element
When they reached the stage where they were no longer children, they will still have had a need to keep their true feelings at bay and may have had a need to protect their caregivers. Being an adult would have meant they were stronger, but they still wouldn’t have felt strong enough to face how they felt.
This can be seen as a sign of how much bread they were carrying at the time. If they had a need to protect their caretakers, this may have happened by seeing them as perfect and making them believe they were perfect to others, even though they were anything but perfect.
Idealization
Seeing their caregivers this way would have prevented them from having to accept how they were actually treated, allowing them to keep their true feelings at bay. Because of their loyalty to these people and their fear of losing their approval, they would also have had a need to protect their image.
The bond you had with them, and may still have if they are still alive, was probably a traumatic bond, a bond that is based on fear, not love. Deep down, they would still have believed that their survival rests on these people.
desperate to get out
The years would have continued to pass and there would have come a time when they would have a child of their own, this being a time when the pain within them would have expressed itself. Up to this point, this pain may have been directed toward other people in your life.
When this happened, a deeply hurt part of them would have done to another what was done to them, or something very similar. This would have happened without them realizing what was happening.
justified
And even if they could take a step back and reflect on their own behavior, they might believe that they behaved in the right way. They might say that their child was misbehaving and needed to be taught a lesson (abuse) or that they needed to be made aware that his behavior was wrong (neglect), for example.
Because of how disconnected they were from themselves, it would not have been possible for them to see their adult behavior return to what happened to them as children: to see that their child was on the receiving end of what they were unable to express to their caregivers. Unconsciously, they would have seen their child as their caretaker(s) (projection) and since this child was not a threat to them, there would be no reason for them to hold back.
Awareness
Ultimately, their caretakers would have been controlled by the pain they held in their unconscious body/mind and there might even have been something wrong with their brains. What this emphasizes is how important it is for someone to get over their inner wounds if they have been abused as a child.
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The problem is, of course, that someone can end up shutting down and unaware of the fact that they were abused. Thanks to this, there will be no reason for them to seek external support.