The topic of parental alienation is a hot topic, and which side you’re on is very much determined by whether you’re the parent who’s trying to destroy any relationship between your kids and your ex, or you’re the ex.
It is a pattern of behavior that creates fear, anxiety, and distrust of the target parent. Often it’s the mother, but it could be either parent, subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, trying to drive a wedge in the relationship between father and son. The subject is difficult to identify because of what the alienator does, for example, “Susie, I want you to call me as soon as you get to Dad’s house. You know you can ALWAYS call me if you need me.” On the surface, it looks like Mom is just being a concerned mom. but the underlying message is that “Dad, this is not a safe environment for you and I am concerned for your well-being.”
Many judges, attorneys, therapists, counselors, and evaluators will not see this as an example of PA, but when comments like that pile up, it begins to drive a wedge of fear and mistrust between child and parent. The alienating parent’s goal is to destroy the relationship between parent and child, so in a child custody case, full custody is awarded to one parent in violation of the rights of the other.
Parents already have difficulty with this, as they are usually not the primary caregiver, so their relationship is minimized due to time constraints. Professionals from across the spectrum argue over what constitutes, but a great resource for concerned parents is www.breakthroughparenting.com. Dr. Jayne Majors is an expert at spotting it and giving men the tools they need to combat it.
Dr. Amy JL Baker has written a book on the subject, “Adult Children of Parental Alienation, Breaking The Ties That Bind,” available on Amazon.com and select bookstores. The book covers the subject both from the perspective of the alienated child and from the perspective of the alienated parents. It is a resource for victims and the professionals who serve them. Her website is www.amyjlbaker.com and she has an e-book available for $9.95 as a download called “Beyond the Royal Road-Responding to 17 Parental Alienation Strategies Without Compromising Your Morals or Harming Your Child.” This eBook was written to provide specific parents with concrete suggestions for handling the other parent’s parental alienation tactics.
TIPS TO PREVENT PARENTAL ALIENATION
1. Clear limits. Parents should have clear boundaries of what is and is not acceptable communication with a child, when in the care of other parents, and those boundaries must be enforced. Phone time, visitation, and violation of visitation are issues that must be clearly explained.
2. Create a behavior log. The abuser often tries to make it seem like he is just a “very protective” parent, with frequent calls to the police because he is “concerned” or notifying Child Protective Services of “possible abuse”, these actions should be documented and register. created when reports turn out to be false on the part of the abuser.
3. Family therapy. A therapist’s outside, objective opinion can be invaluable in fighting for her rights and showing the court that the other party is abusing her right to be a “protector.” This can be a game changer for the abused parent and, more importantly, for the child who is being alienated from her parent.