I can usually separate the emails I receive from wives whose husbands have just left into two camps: those who had a prior warning and suspected this day might one day come, and those who were completely caught off guard and stay in a state of disbelief. Yesterday, I received an email from one of those wives. She was completely shocked and said that her husband’s departure had “come out of left field.” She thought their marriage was good enough. Sure, they had their problems like everyone else and yes, things had been a bit tense lately, but she believed that they would just solve it like they always had in the past.
She was having trouble processing her departure and formulating a plan for what to do next. She did not want to end her marriage and considered doing so to be the worst case scenario and the last resort. But she had no idea how to approach him, as his departure said a lot about how he felt. In the following article, I will describe how I told her to better handle this situation in light of her desire to save the marriage (when she was the only one who wanted to do so at the time).
Be proactive versus reactive: It is absolutely normal and understandable to feel devastated and to react strongly in this situation. But, I advise you to try to use some restraint when you are around or when talking to your husband. It’s okay to get rid of your friends or family. It is perfectly understandable to walk on the ground until you are naked. But don’t let your husband witness this. Your goal at this point should be to encourage him to feel negative feelings while he is away from you (about the situation, not about you), while feeling positive feelings when he thinks of you. This is the combination of feelings that will make you want to go home.
So, as angry as you may be and as tempting as it may be to demand answers or yell at how selfish this is of him, try to master these things or at least tone them down. It’s okay to tell her that this has hurt you deeply and that you ultimately hope it will turn out with your marriage still intact. It’s not okay (at least if you want to save your marriage) to proclaim that you can’t live without him or to give him ultimatums or question him.
Sure, you deserve answers, but you’re more likely to get them if you approach him from a place where you’re trying to understand this to see if you can work it out together rather than demanding answers so that you can discuss this with him and ultimately change. your mind. Honestly, the sooner you can analyze your feelings and come to a place of calm so that you can formulate a rational plan, the better off you will be.
Allow your strength, dignity, and self-respect to come forward:You should always keep in mind what men generally find attractive. A wife who is not self-sufficient and who depends on them for her own happiness and survival will feel very suffocating after a while. I have husbands in this situation who write to me and often describe a wife who is literally stalking them, constantly calling them, showing up at their work, following them, acting completely sweet for a second and then in the blink of an eye he becomes completely angry. This is a huge detour and this behavior only makes the husband want to stay away.
On the contrary, if you are able to harness your quiet strength and confidence and can present yourself as a strong and self-respecting husband, who is capable of taking care of herself (although she would rather have it), this often will make a husband take a break. And to go a step further, I often tell women to wait a few days and then tell their husbands that although initially devastated, after having time to think about it, they have decided to spend time apart. it could work for both. well. Now, I’m not telling you to imply that you are going to do something that you will both regret. No way. However, it is sometimes helpful for your husband to know that he is not sitting around waiting in vain for you to return. He needs to know that you are perfectly capable of going ahead and picking up the pieces without him, although you would like him to be with you if you had that option.
Know when is the right time to broach the subject of your return: If you do not remember anything else from this article, I would like you to remember it. Always force yourself to move more slowly than you want. Your best scenario is showing your husband your strengths, your dignity, and your best qualities during this break. Often times when you act the opposite of what he expects, he becomes curious and begins to contact you and initiate more time together. Don’t overdo it and let your guard down or resort to old behaviors. It is much better to let him come to you. When you do, don’t start asking where this will take you or push you to re-commit. If you do, your alarm bells will sound to let you know that you’ve been tampering with it the entire time. Let him be the one to ask you if he can come back. This is really the only way to make sure that his heart is in it and that he is truly as committed as you are to saving the marriage.