While often the intention is to have a relationship free of games and all the drama they can create; this does not always mean that one will avoid them altogether. And as a result of this, one can come to the conclusion that they have absolutely no control over whether their relationships consist of games or not.
Viewing gaming as random and just happening in a relationship is unlikely to fill you with hope, if need be, or a sense of empowerment. If relationships are just games, then one may think that they are not worth having. Or one may think that playing is the only option. But doing this right can go against your integrity and lead to more pain.
Two sides
Now, every relationship one has is made up of two people. One may well be called a victim and another described as a perpetrator. And while this is true on one level; it still consists of two people. Each one has his own choices and his own responsibility within the relationship.
Because even though the other person may be playing the games, if you weren’t sticking with the games to begin with, then you would have to stop. It is always a symbiotic relationship. If the game player wasn’t getting the information he needed to play, he would stop. Or they would have to go and find someone else who is willing to put up with the games.
Both sides
That’s why I think it’s important to not only look at what might be going on with the person who is playing the game, but also with the person who is enduring the games. Blaming one and calling the other innocent; it is not empowering or accurate.
And if this were the approach, it would likely only lead to a momentary or short-term gain. But it is unlikely that you will find out what the real problem may be for the people who attract gamers into their lives. Because if one continually creates the same experiences, surely it would be wise to look at himself and see what he is doing to end up in these situations in the first place.
Games
When it comes to games, both men and women are equally capable of playing them. One genre can often be considered the worst; but this is unlikely to be accurate. It can also be assumed that someone uses these behaviors on others on a conscious level and is therefore willing to hurt or harm another person.
the game player
However, this behavior actually says more about the person playing the games than the person enduring them. We are all responding to life based on our own interpretations of it. So based on the interpretations that the game player is making of the relationship; They have come to see what is required of them.
These games can either be played early on or after the relationship has reached a certain point, for example. This will depend on different factors and one of these factors will be how comfortable one is with intimacy and therefore being vulnerable.
be vulnerable
One of the main elements of a relationship is being vulnerable and opening up to the other person. And if you don’t feel comfortable doing this, then you will have to use certain behaviors to protect yourself from being hurt.
So what this can often mean is that the player will have a certain level of closeness/intimacy that they are comfortable with and if someone else goes beyond this place it will mean that games will have to be played to create distance. By doing this, the player will be able to regain their composure and return to what is comfortable for them.
Since the need for intimacy is there but cannot be fully embraced due to your fears of what intimacy means, it will mean that the other person is still wanted. It’s a bit like, ‘I don’t necessarily love you, but I don’t necessarily want to lose you either.’ What is clear is that there is conflict within and one’s head, heart and body are not aligned.
Regulation
These internal fears of what intimacy means are regulated by keeping the other person close. Allowing them to come closer and have a consistent relationship may well lead to a feeling; suffocated, controlled, overwhelmed or who may end up being abandoned and rejected.
And letting them go well can make you feel; abandoned, rejected and alone. What’s interesting about these two dynamics is that whether you let someone in or lose someone, it’s usually the same experience. So by keeping another at a safe distance, one can avoid both situations.
But this is unlikely to lead to realization and is only regulating the fear they have when it comes to letting go in a relationship.
Associations
The ego mind works by forming associations around things and these become what is classified as familiar and therefore safe. So when it comes to intimacy, the ego mind may associate it with losing oneself, being taken advantage of, or being controlled.
And if this is the case, one will project these associations onto others and interpret their behavior in that way. It won’t matter if the other person likes it or not. So unless one is self-aware enough to question their associations of what intimacy is; they may well end up creating the same scenarios over and over again.
The other side
So now that we’ve looked at what might be causing other people to gamble, let’s take a deeper look at why one can tolerate gaming.
For this person, like the player, there is a distance that feels safe when it comes to opening up. And while there may be frustration or anger at the player for keeping his distance, on a deeper level he’s likely comfortable with it.
Approaching them may well lead to a feeling similar to what the player of the game feels. Here they can end up feeling themselves; overwhelmed, controlled, or trapped if they get close to another person. And if they were to move away from the game player; it may well make them feel alone and abandoned.
So following the games allows one to avoid these two experiences and keep what is comfortable for them. To your ego mind, this will be what feels safe. And doing something else will lead to what feels unknown to the mind and this will feel insecure.
Awareness
Being in a relationship with another person implies being vulnerable and open. And yet, if one has had experiences as an adult or as a child of being taken advantage of while vulnerable, this will not be easy. The trust it takes to open up may have been taken away.
To overcome this, one may need to seek help. A good therapist, talking to a trusted friend, and reading can help in this opening process.
The ego mind’s associations about what a relationship is like can be changed; as they are not the truth. Some people can play games constantly, but there are also people who don’t.