“She poisoned her mind against me. Things were going well until he started hanging out with his ex. It’s her fault. He’d be with me if she just disappeared.”
Why is it so attractive to blame someone else for your heartbreak? Sit down at any Starbucks in the country and you can overhear a similar conversation. Frustrated women tell and retell the dramas of their love lives to anyone who will listen. And most of them are left alone, which makes them even more frustrated.
So if some jolly Law of Attraction aficionado crosses your path and starts saying you must be creating all this drama and you’re ready to rip their heads off. You can’t be manifesting all this angst, all you want is love and you’ve been chasing it for years to prove it!
So what’s wrong? A word. Sabotage. Since I began my practice as a coach almost 10 years ago, I have met the most attractive and beautiful single women, all with one fatal flaw in common… a part of them united and committed to keeping them single, a personal inner saboteur.
This powerful force, similar to a real force field that repels True Love, comes from within your own heart. This true love saboteur has spent her life with one goal. Ironically, it is the same goal for the Outer Self… to be happy and to feel secure. Somehow, many singles have the belief that love hurts more than it heals. For many, Love has been something that they have needed protection from. True love is supposed to protect your.
Every time I ask, “Do you think a part of you really likes being single?” I get a quick no, but on more questions, many longtime singles admit that there are parts of the single life that work for them.
Oh!
Inner conflict will always bring a lukewarm and mediocre vibration that will result in…lukewarm and mediocre results. It could be you? Here are 5 signs that your True Love Spoiler has been working hard under the radar to keep you happy, safe…and single.
1. Isolation. Are you spending too much time alone? Have your friendships changed? Do you complain that you are the one who calls your friends for social events and nobody calls you? Is Facebook your main connection to the world? Isolation is safe, but at what cost? Besides, how can you meet someone if you don’t go out! Your True Love Saboteur works overtime providing reasons to be alone. Any little reason to miss out on being with people is enough.
2. Procrastination. Are you rewriting the same things on your to-do list every day? Do you have a list? Are you so busy doing the things in life that never get done that you don’t have any fun in your life? The spoiler loves to use this tool, it is very easy to encourage procrastination. Look what an expert you are!
3. Self-criticism. Not only are you isolating and procrastinating, now you pick on yourself for it. Do you compare yourself to others? Do you dislike parts of your personality or physical appearance? Deep self-disacceptance is one of the most powerful tools the saboteur can use, and he can wield it like a dagger. After all, if you don’t accept yourself, could a soulmate stand a chance? This is the disguised use of the victim’s energy by the saboteur. Not many recognize the victim vibe, making it a stealthy block that needs little maintenance.
4. Apologies. “I don’t have money for the best dating sites.” “I’m so busy with work and kids there’s no time for dates.” “I hate my clothes. I’d need a new wardrobe before I could date.” “I hate my underwear.” No matter what the excuse is, it’s still an excuse. Time is ticking, we are well into 2010. How long will you let an excuse stand between you and fulfillment? Your spoiler is doing everything he can to prevent you from making the decision you need to make. He chooses what you want, makes a clear decision and moves on. Do you want to be with a partner at all costs?
5. Insatiable need to keep trying. I love this. As I said before, your True Love Spoiler wants the same thing as you. To be happy and feel safe. Somewhere deep inside, she, as well as any part of you that hesitates to try again, can’t stop the desire to be loved and well loved. You deserve it and I am here to tell you that it is possible. At 57, I celebrate my fifth anniversary in Hawaii in a few weeks. Meeting Larry and taking the risk of getting close to a man again was the best decision I could have made. If I can do it, you can do it.
Your Saboteur is just bravely doing the work you depend on it to do. His sole purpose in life is to watch over your beliefs to make sure they stay true. I’m not talking about bucket list beliefs here or the affirmations you prepare. I’m talking about the true and deep secret beliefs you have about your self-worth.
The good news is that once you start acknowledging your self-sabotaging thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs, you can do something about it. When your Spoiler realizes that you can feel happy and safe in new ways and that she can too, she will relax more deeply than she has in years.
After all, we all want the same thing here. It feels amazing to be loved and accepted. Of course you’re going to chase that. Address your sabotaging tendencies and take steps to address each one. You will dramatically increase your personal magnetism as you accept yourself on this new level. There is nothing more irresistible than a person who is 100% comfortable in their own skin. It is always possible to deepen your sense of self-worth. Make a decision, research your options and take action. As Grandma used to say, “Times a’wastin.”