Imagine the day-to-day stress of living in a two-parent household…and then multiply that by ten for the single parent. Single parents must be the hardest working people in the world. It is impossible to put a monetary value on the amount of physical work and emotional energy required to raise children without help from anyone. The parent who must pay child support often complains about the money being deducted from their paycheck. But what they don’t realize is that this is only a small fraction of what is required to maintain children’s emotional, physical and psychological well-being on a daily basis.
The custodial parent can never be fully compensated for their daily upkeep: washing, cooking, cleaning, getting Barbie out of the bathroom, missing work because the kids are sick, ironing, sewing, shopping, disciplining, and providing encouragement and love when she herself can. she barely survives another day, at work or school, through traffic. The responsibility of having young children means putting her needs first and, consequently, neglecting your own.
Some of the biggest things that the “weekend” dad takes for granted is that he can come and go as he pleases. He does not have to worry about whether or not someone can watch the children and what time they will be home. Also, he can sleep, eat, date and enjoy other activities at his convenience. He is free to say, “I can’t stay with the kids this weekend” for whatever reason, as if the visitation arrangement is only when it fits into his normal schedule. The idea of organizing a nursery, and yes, taking the kids with him, rarely crosses his mind.
With all the hard work that is required of single parents, it is incomprehensible how child support that is taken directly from the absent parent’s paycheck could be delayed. You know what they say, don’t count your chickens… blah blah blah. But of course, this is easier said than done, as the vast majority of single parents rely on child support to help care for their children. So how does the financially strapped single mom survive without the money she desperately needs, on a consistent and timely basis? After all bills, car note, rent and insurance are due when due. In addition, the children need food, clothing and money for school –Ya!
The parent who no longer resides in the home can greatly improve their relationship with their children by reducing stress on the custodial parent. By doing so, the absent parent can become a dependent source of emotional support and stability for the children, allowing the custodial parent some time to recharge their batteries and thus become a more effective parent.
How separated parents can work together
1. If you are picking up the children for a visit, be on time. If the mother is okay with it, come early. If there are small children, help them get dressed. Don’t complain if the mother hasn’t finished dressing the children. Remember, she’s had the kids all week, through the daily meals, homework, bedtime disagreements, and doing their hair. Your time with the children is more leisure and only for the weekend. Be a team dad! Their role is not just to provide fast food, movies, and activities in the park.
2. Unless there is a death in the family or prior arrangement, do not miss scheduled visitation arrangements. Children are usually extremely disappointed, not to mention the custodial parent who may have wanted to work part-time, study, or date, time he had planned for herself, time she deserved.
3. Pick up the children during the week for several hours. Help them with their homework or take them out to dinner or a movie.
4. Don’t let the court order dictate the time you spend with your children. Share parenting responsibility as much as possible that you and the other parent can agree on. The court order is a rough guide to the minimum amount of time you should spend with your children.
5. Attend medical and dental appointments and parent-teacher conferences.
6. Of course money is needed to support children’s needs, but the most valuable thing you can give to children is your time. Young children, especially, do not understand the concept of money, and one day you will not be asked to pay child support. However, you will greatly benefit from the time you spend with your children if you are actively involved in their lives.
Surviving during financially difficult times
1. Buy a surplus of laundry items: bleach, detergent, and fabric softeners. If you do laundry at the laundromat, buy six weeks’ worth of quarters and keep them in a special place. When you’re short on money, it’s very frustrating when you can’t afford to wash your work clothes or your children’s school clothes. Looking good and having clean clothes will make you feel good about yourself and lift your spirits.
2. Plan your meals carefully. Stock your pantry with canned goods and other non-perishable items. Buy lots of sweets or cheese crackers for the kids and hide most of them in the closet. Ration it out throughout the week. Keep your favorite drinks and snakes close at hand too. When all you have left after paying the bills is gas money, having a few of these favorite things around the house can really brighten your day.
3. Pick or buy inexpensive flowers and place them around the house in cute little bottles. Place them in your bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. Find creative ways to brighten up your home. Your children will be grate full to you. Remember: it’s the little things that count. Poverty is not a way of life, it is a way of thinking. Never let poverty become a part of your soul.
4. For your benefit and pleasure, put the children away at bedtime and take a bath by candlelight. Total cost: two dollars (if you buy at the local dollar store). Many of us already have these items in our homes. Why should life treat you better than you are willing to treat yourself? Charity begins at home.
5. Find quiet time to think. This will allow you to tap into your talents, strengths, and help solve problems. Relationships are wonderful to have, but the most important relationship anyone, especially single parents, can have is with themselves. Take good care of yourself so you can take better care of your children. Your children are vulnerable and need you whole and healthy. You are the backbone and foundation of your immediate family.
By Cassandra George-Sturges, psi. D.