You may have heard that after 4 or 5 failed marriages or relationships you should think, “Maybe it’s me.” The same could be said of the dating scene. But then maybe it’s not you. Maybe your ‘insignificant other’ never got to know you before your relationship got to the ‘serious’ stage. More than you got to know him.
Have you ever considered that your relationship failures start at the beginning of your relationships?
Let’s say you’re in a club looking for Mr. Right. You are dreaming of finding the perfect man for you, one who loves you, values you, puts you on a pedestal and treats you like a queen forever and ever.
And then you see it. It’s okay, it’s not perfect, it’s not exactly what you’ve dreamed of, but that doesn’t matter. Once the relationship starts, you can improve it a bit and then it will be perfect. Nothing better than falling in love with the man you intend to transform into another person.
The only initial problem is that he is not Mr. Right. He is Mr. Right Now. Most men in clubs, or anywhere else, don’t really dream of a long-term relationship or marriage. The guys are really looking for some action. Right now. As many people have said: ‘If a man isn’t horny, feed him. If he’s not hungry or horny, have them follow him. Sure, it’s possible for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship. Maybe a long term relationship. Maybe marriage. But that’s not what’s on his mind the moment he first meets you.
Now I know you ladies are smart enough to have figured that out. And you and I both know that no matter what your personal image is, everyone is naturally equipped to give a man all the physical pleasure he can handle. So when a guy shows interest, it is because there is an attraction to your physical appearance, he thinks you will easily succumb to his charms or he is desperate and you are still there.
Let’s deal with the first. Suppose there is a physical attraction. And that you feel attracted to him. So far, so good. Although it is not uncommon for couples to begin with an intellectual, business, or friendship relationship, most relationships begin with physical attraction. There is nothing wrong with that.
But it is in this initial meeting when things begin to go wrong.
Every gamer I’ve ever met swore there was only one thing you had to know how to do to get into a woman’s pants. The man has to know how to make the woman believe that he is sincere. If the woman believes that she is sincere, she is going to have a fun night. And most likely, she will never call you again.
I’ve sat in bars with guys I’ve met who were gamblers, listened to them tell women the most outrageous lies, and watched women fall for it. I knew a guy who memorized maps. He would ask a woman where he was from and she would say, ‘Smalltown, Michigan.’ He, though from Texas, would reply, ‘Really? Because I’m from Kindofsmall, Michigan, 20 miles away! Do you know Mrs. Johnson? And the woman would go on for an hour or more about everyone she knew, none of whom the boy knew, and he’d nod or look sad or react to whatever story she told and she’d take the player home. And she would never hear from him again.
The woman is, of course, hurt and angry. She was bound and used. But not completely. She had a chance to find out why she went to the club. She had a chance in the dream.
I used to ask players I knew why, if honesty worked, they weren’t really honest? Why not be themselves? And they told me: ‘Because it’s not going to work. Women don’t want a real man. They want a dream. They live for fantasy’
But let’s be honest. You girls are also not sincere at first. Or even during courtship. Don’t sit back and tell the truth about yourself. You don’t talk about your PMS. You don’t talk about what a curmudgeon you are in the morning. About how you really look in the flannel shirts and baggy pants you wear most of the time. What do you really look like without that makeup and all that mass is really your own hair? Did you tell the guy that you don’t really wear see-through teddies to sleep every night and thongs are really uncomfortable? And I’m sure you won’t mention what’s really doing that protruding cleavage you have or what will happen when the harness you’re wearing comes undone. Do you tell the truth about your hopes and dreams? Approximately how many children do you want? About the house you dream of, the car you want, and the lifestyle you want to live? Did you tell him your credit cards are maxed out and you can’t balance your checkbook? What if you can’t stand dirty dishes being left in the sink, dirty socks and underwear on the floor, and being a clean freak except when it comes to your closet? Did you tell him you pout and complain when you don’t get your way? Were you honest when you said you loved watching sports on TV all weekend? Does your home look like when you don’t have a date or steady boyfriend you’re trying to impress? Are you willing to let him see the mess in your closet? Did you tell him that your idea of breakfast is what was left over from last night and that you won’t make him a full hot breakfast every morning for the rest of his life?
Or are you trying to figure out what attracts him so that he is interested in you?
Trust me. He’s interested. Or desperate. If he is desperate, he will either push hard to get you out of the club or push hard to get the alcohol.
But, what happens when you meet a guy, both of you are attracted to each other and he says things like:
“I’m a workaholic. My normal work day is 14 hours. (Or it could be ‘I can’t hold down a job and I’m still living with Mom and Dad.’) I’m a functional alcoholic. My entertainment of choice is TV and local striptease. I want home cooked meals every morning and every night. I hate going out to eat and I’ll only have you over when I’m trying to get lucky and you’re not attacking me at home like you did when we went out. I’m as romantic as a stump. No offense when I forget your birthday, I don’t remember mine. On the weekends, I play sports in the morning and watch sports and drink and smoke all afternoon and night. I hate talking on the phone and it’s highly unlikely that your mom and I will really get along. Let’s get along. I put my dirty socks and underwear on the floor and leave the toilet seat up. I don’t do the dishes, I don’t clean the toilets. And if you want a house with a garden, you can mow the lawn and trim the hedges. I hate it. your girlfriends except for one or two . I’m going to fantasize about when I have your ass red.”
You would run. You’d think the guy is weird as hell and he should be in a mental ward. But, he is telling you the truth. That’s really who he is. He is not a player. He’s not trying to put you in the sack that night. He wants you to know what you’re getting yourself into. He is being sincere. He is really interested in you. He doesn’t want you to be disappointed when you find out the truth.
Welcome to reality girls. The above description is a pretty accurate description of who most of us really are. A few variations here and there, but it’s pretty close.
So after the dating game or even the ‘let’s live together’ affair ends in marriage, the real truth is revealed. On Both Sides. You are trapped and so is he. Now you have to deal with the realities that you have hidden from each other. The fantasy is done.
So instead of messing with the players, what do you do with the guy who is straight forward, who tells you the plain, unvarnished, ugly truth? You could at least appreciate it for being honest. You might realize that there is a basis for a real relationship with someone who is real. It may just be a friendship. But it would be a true friendship.
Therefore, try to tell yourself a little truth. Try to be a little more than you really are. For the future, remember that most guys are very easy to control. And guys really aren’t that hard to change. What makes a guy so well behaved, romantic, and why did he try so hard to please you when you were dating?
Was the guy chasing you because you pouted, complained a lot, and told him what to do all the time? Because you were always tired and in a bad mood? Did you find your baggy shirts, no makeup, and hair in a ponytail sexy?
No. The guy was chasing you because he was interested and because you were trying. Because you were doing those special things to make life and romance interesting. Because you rewarded his good behavior. Because you lovingly motivated him to do what you wanted him to do.
Guys work hard when you try to turn them on, when you physically please them, when you praise them, and when you reward them.
Just like you want to be praised and rewarded, so do most men. The rewards we want may be different than yours, but we both want rewards. And it is a simple truth. If he doesn’t get his, you won’t get yours. To get you have to give. If you want romance, try to remember that women are romantic. Men are not. Unless there is something for them. Have a guy plan and take you out for a special night, and at the end, say, “Thank you for the special night” and kiss him on the cheek. See if you ever have a romantic evening planned by him again for the rest of his life. Make the evening special for him and you will make evenings more special.
As Pavlov demonstrated with a dog, and men aren’t much more evolved than dogs, dogs do respond to rewards.
Find your man at the back door in your flannel shirt and baggy pants, complain about your lousy day, and jump on him because he’s not doing anything romantic anymore. Or better yet, because he doesn’t spend as much time with you anymore. Look how anxious he is to go home tomorrow.
Not in the mood for sex? I had a bad day? Mad at him? Do you just want to punish him by rejecting him? Forward. It’s a great idea. So feel really hurt when you find out that he is having sex with someone else.
Not in the mood for sex? Answer this. Even if you’re in a bad mood, when did an orgasm feel bad? If you really want to feel like you’re getting over it, use it for your pleasure. He won’t care. In fact, he will feel even more loved than you loved him when you weren’t really up to it.
Meet him at the back door with that stuffed animal you used to wear, greet him with a big kiss and rock his world; you will be swimming in roses and romance.
I have told you the truth. Give it a try and see if it works. If you’ve been married a while, don’t expect immediate results. You have already trained him. Men, like children and dogs, pick up bad clothes very quickly. Good habits take a lot of work, a lot of repetition, and a lot of rewards.